Seminary Football Lampoon 2013 Review

It’s that time of the year again. Football season is upon us. Hallelujah.

This year Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary (SEBTS) is hoping to make the playoffs. It’s been a rough couple of seasons, especially with having to play religious conference football games at the baseball field at J.B. Flaherty Park since they had no football field on campus.

But with the completion of the new stadium this year and a lot of exercise, and prayer, they hope to take it all the way. If they don’t make it they’ll just do the usual and ask for forgiveness. Witnesses will be recruited.

The teams faith in the SEBTS football program was revived after a joint summer training camp with the great players at Ouachita Baptist University.

Highlights from the workouts were definitely encouraging and showed great promise. One thing is certain from watching the practice film to the left, a Baptist college can have cheerleaders who absolutely don’t move their hips at all.

And while the team was at OBU they learned more about the new mascot at OBU, Shaz. He was a big influence on the SEBTS logo and mascot change during the offseason.

But you know how its been, despite the best of efforts the ball has just not bounced the SEBTS way. It’s not for a lack of trying though. Of course playing on a baseball diamond was not helpful with the big hump in the center of the field.

It's been tough lately at SEBTS. Even the Bush family had a tree planted in their honor.
It’s been tough lately at SEBTS. Even the Bush family had a tree planted in their honor.
We’re not sure if they believe in luck or only in divine intervention but whatever has driven the football season into the ground the past couple of years, let’s hope it can change.

Our man in the closet on campus has informed us a new quarterback has been recruited. Foreign transfer student Jesus (hey-zeus) “Carlos” Danger, from Mexico has been brought in to guide the team to eternal glory, or at least just the college bowl season.

Our networked sources say he’s got quite an arm on him, along with great dedication and a tremendous work ethic. With Jesus onboard the team has a good chance of ticking up more wins than losses. That will be a first.

More good news, Berry and Dingle are both back again this year. Plagued by unfortunate tailbone injuries they have worked hard this past summer and are ready to get back on the gridiron and stay off the bench. They are motivated to keep it this way. “They bench makes our rumps feel cold and squishy,” they said.

Dingle and Berry hope to put forward a better effort this year.
Dingle and Berry hope to put forward a better effort this year.

This years season opener will be this September 14, 2013 against University of Saint Mary of the Lake (USML) from Mundelein, Illinois. It will be a home game so you know what that means, be sure to get to the game late so you can park up front.

As is tradition, a dance will not be held after the opener.

Refreshments this year will be supplied by Bright Funeral Home & Cremation Center and Shorty’s. Last years tailgating was such a hit so of course they were coming back again. Bright is again supplying the grills and Shorty’s is bring the hotdogs.

Yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum, yum.

During a pre-season game this year USML happened to leave their playbook behind by accident. SEBTS is rumored to have innocently secured the playbook and insiders told us they were expressly disappointed when they discovered the Catholic seminary team only had one play, the Hail Mary.

News SEBTSBaptist Burning Bush Logo for 2013.
News SEBTS Baptist Burning Bush Logo for 2013.

Due to budget constraints Danny Akin, the president of SEBTS, will also be serving as its football coach this year. He’s a natural pick after all his years of running interference.

It is said Coach Akin is going to be changing things up this year with a new logo and mascot for SEBTS. “It’s time we dropped our previous mascot of the SEBTS Elder. In the long run it just wasn’t working for us even though we respected the heck out of it.” So SEBTS is switching to become the Burning Bushes, which you can see to the right. We like it. What do you think? Post your comments below.

Akin is also going to spend extra time trying to keep the team from constantly running twelve men on the field all the time and getting a penalty every play. “It’s eleven men guys, eleven. Think the faithful posse without Judas.”

Other changes made in the off season include making sure plays are not called in tongues anymore and keeping rattlesnakes out of the huddle. It’s too distracting.

Hopes of a cheerleading squad this year were dashed when the faculty of mostly dudes was unwilling to volunteer for the task. But then again what is cheerleading without some skimpy outfits and dancing. Probably not a good idea now that we think about it. But OBU found a way. Maybe next year, maybe next year.

Still, USML will have the Famous Dancing Nun cheerleaders to rally their side and that might put the SEBTS Burning Bushes at a distinct disadvantage. Only time will tell. Those Nuns can really slap a crowd into a frenzy.

Don’t forget, the new LifeWay Stadium is open this year. SEBTS is a bit bummed about having to tear down the new Patterson Hall and the Ledford Center to make room for LifeWay Stadium but shit happens.

New SEBTS Campus Map for 2013
New SEBTS Campus Map for 2013

The new LifeWay Stadium is also focusing on keeping fans happy with a veritable biblically inspired feast of food choices available at game time. Food vendors will supply fans with olives, honey, figs and pomegranate smoothies. Grapes will be available as a healthy alternative along with Butter of Kine (yogurt) with flax seed. The Last Super buffet will be open to skybox guests only.

But lining up new team members hasn’t been the only priority in the offseason. After much struggle the team has given up on finding a water boy who won’t keep turning the water into wine. “It is what is is,” said Coach Akin. The Coach then said, “It’s just a cross we are going to have to bear. What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Seriously, stop looking at me like that.”

Recruiting efforts this year have been strong. The coaches fanned out across the nation to search for new talent after the loss of Coke and Head last year to mission work.

“Sneak into Egypt on three. Break.”

Loss of Coke Head combination will hurt the team this year.
Loss of Coke Head combination will hurt the team this year.

But the team will make the most of their opportunities this year and soldier on with the same King James playbook they’ve been using for thousands of years. The focus this year though will be on the newer plays.

Season tickets are still available and you can pickup yours at the Wake Forest CVS near campus. If you use this coupon code [OHCRAP] when you buy your tickets, you’ll get 25% off on a home pregnancy kit if purchased at the same time.

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Originally published September 15, 2013.

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