Ask Winnie – Why Do People Put Stick Figures On Their Car?

Dear Winnie,

What’s with all of those mini-vans and Suburbans with the stick figure family stickers on the back? Do people really think we care how many people are in their families or what extra-cirricular activities their kids are involved in?

Sick Of Stick Figures

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Dear Sick Of Stick Figures,

On one hand us Wake Forest squirrels are particularly jealous of those stick figures and other stickers. We simply have no space on our ass to put all that junk. Even if we did, our cute bushy tails would obstruct the view.

We have always wanted to have stickers like “My Kid Knows His Nuts” and “My Kid Beat Bob’s Bird Feeder.”

Frankly us squirrels don’t give a damn who has a kid in what school and if they were once an honor roll student.

We think the kid would be less emotionally traumatized by their friends if a parental person just told them how proud they were of their accomplishment and celebrated it in some small way. Isn’t that what refrigerators are for?

Putting some of those stickers on the back of the cars just let’s kids be teased more.

“Hey Jimmy, when did you make the honor roll at school?”

“That was four years ago but my parents still have the same old car. Since then I’ve been so inept I can’t get another sticker and my parents constantly remind me of it. I’m about ready to torch the car. Want to come over after school tomorrow and help?”

“You bet!”

Took care of that sticker.
Took care of that sticker.

If we are going to have humans posting those types of messages on the back end of their cars then maybe people should go all the way and put everything out there. I can see it now, cars racing by with stickers that say, “My Son was a Bully in Third Grade,” “My Higher Power Can Kick Your Higher Power’s Ass.”

When it comes to the stick figures, like the humans here at the Wake Forest News reported on over here, they perplex us squirrels as well.

Granted we are cute and rely totally on our good looks so you don’t run over us, and we might not be the smartest rodent out there but on one hand telling the world how many people to expect at your house just gives burglars some insight if everybody is out of the house and ready to rob.

aaa stickerI actually have an additional peeve (we squirrels don’t have pets) when it comes to some of the stickers humans put on the back of their car or truck. Why do people put them on the paint? Has nobody a concept of resale value? Or why can’t humans even put them on pretending to be straight?

And then of course there is the classic AAA sticker issue where people put the whole sheet on their car instead of just the oval AAA sticker. “Bend Here – Peal Here,” means peal here. You humans are not that bright at times are you? Granted, “Mount on Rear Bumper” can be misleading.

Here are some other stickers we’ve seen out there.

“My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Roll Student”

“Your Son On the Honor Roll Got My Daughter Pregnant”

honor roll

“My Dog Made the Honor Roll”

“Zombies Will Eat Your Honor Roll Students Brain First”

But don’t worry when it comes to the stick figures on the back of the cars. You are not the only one who does not understand it.


zombie sticks

stick card

ass family

I sincerely hope that helps you to fully and finally resolve this ongoing dilemma. I’m always here to help you solve the tough problems in life. Just keep in mind, I’m not Dr. Phil, I’m a squirrel.

Your friend,
Winnie the irreverent Wake Forest News advice squirrel.

Have time to kill, read my past Q&As, here.

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