Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Wake Forest Certified Safe From Shark Attacks

News out of Texas and Florida paints a picture of continued shark attacks. This follows a large number of shark nibbles of tourists on our North Carolina beaches this past summer.

But Wake Forest has topped the list of tourist summer destinations as a safe place for people to visit without fear of being bitten by a shark.

According to coastal North Carolina experts, “We can never guarantee anyone’s safety when they enter the water,” David Hallac, NPS’s superintendent of parks on the Outer Banks, said in a statement. “The only way to be sure you do not encounter sharks or other marine wildlife that may be harmful to humans is to stay out of the water.”

But tourists need not do that in Wake Forest. They can get as wet as they want around here without any fear of getting chomped on by a shark. That is on course unless White Street Brewing Company rolls out a new seasonal Irish red ale next summer called Tiger Shark. It’s got a nice start on the tongue but a nasty finish that tastes like blood. For the record, Reaver Beach Brewing Company already released a version.

Our primary water playground is Holding Park Pool, which is guaranteed to be shark free.

The Town recently undertook a serious of expensive improvements which they enumerated in this video I made it halfway through watching.

The Town reservoir is also a perfectly shark free place though the Town would like to downplay anything nasty floating in that body of water. But then again I don’t think there is any non-alcohol swimming allowed either. Granted, over the years there have been a number of regrettable skinny-dip incidents following high school events and seminary exams. But we all know, what happens in the reservoir, stays in the reservoir.

Residents of local North Carolina beaches that had shark attacks this year were asked what they thought. Jimmy “Tiny” Johnson said, “All of my friends have the wise thought to stay out of the ocean when sharks around. Damn tourists don’t have a lick of commonsense. They go in anyway. Idiots.”

This woman added her comments on the issue.

One local Myrtle Beach resident I interviewed said, “There is no way in hell I go in the water. If you look at the attacks you will notice all them bites were on foreigners from here.”

Apparently tourists are the saltwater taffy of the ocean for sharks. They don’t want to eat it but feel compelled to because it is summer.

There is no saltwater taffy to be had in Wake Forest and we are proudly shark free.

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