This afternoon we were lucky enough to capture an image of Phil Witz breaking the law in Wake Forest so we can provide definitive proof of the violation to the authorities.
The image was captured from the railroad bridge above the intersection of E. Roosevelt Avenue and S. White Street as we were continuing our research into this story we reported yesterday.
We’ve already submitted this proof to all major illegitimate newspapers in the country and hope to win a prize and a little undeserved fame. For the record, we would not kick a cash money bonus out of bed for eating crackers, either.
Thankfully we finally have proof of the illegal nature of Phil the giant dill pickle as he clearly is caught crossing the street against the light.
Wake Forest PD has issued an all points bulletin for ‘Phil the Dill’ and local residents are urged to call WFPD if Phil is spotted again crossing against the light. This type of behavior will not be tolerated.
Beware however if you approach Phil. His briny juices may be alluring and cause you to crave deli sandwiches at the Village Deli & Grill. If you do visit them, tell them Phil sent you.
For those of us who grew up around Phil here in Wake Forest, he was such a sweet little gherkin. As he got older however his life was filled with turmoil and misfortune. Especially with the traumatic loss of his mother to Mt. Olive. He’s never been the same. Some say Phil suffers from Pickle Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but that is unclear.
Despite his troubles, the beloved Wake Forest community has generally embraced Phil with really, really, really wide open arms. And as a loving and inclusive community we’ve all watched over him and tried to teach him walk from don’t walk. It truly takes a place like Wake Forest to raise a giant dill pickle with love and compassion.
It is still unclear where Phil went astray. All we can do is issue and APB multi-denominational prayer alert for Phil and hope he can finally manage to cross appropriately with the light and stop putting himself needlessly in harms way.
It is rumored Phil’s disregard for the crosswalk was due to the fact he had just visited the Wake Forest Coffee Company and was rushing home to use his favorite potty. It does appear he might be clenching. If that’s the case, well then, it is understandable but not excusable.