Under the heading of “of course she did” comes this story.
Helen Williams of North Charleston, South Carolina was arrested for allegedly attacking her common-law husband after he returned home Christmas Eve after being unable to purchase beer due to stores being closed because of the celebration of birth of Christ holiday.
Williams is alleged to have been so pissed by the lack of beer that she took a nearby ceramic squirrel and stabbed her husband with it repeatedly.
We wish police reports had identified exactly what kind of beer she was hoping for so we could avoid ever buying that brand of beer.
When police officers arrived they found Williams’ husband cover in a “large amount of blood smeared across his upper body and down his arms.” The story is that after the husband arrived home without the beer he proceeded to make himself a sandwich and then he was allegedly attacked. Even though a squirrel was used in the attack we understand no nuts of any kind were injured.
It’s not clear if the attack was specifically about the beer acquisition failure or if maybe he just left the bread out on the counter. You know guys, they never put anything away.
After being stabbed with the no longer decorative ceramic squirrel the unfortunate husband was able to make it next door to a neighbors home and call 911.
The husband was transported to the hospital for treatment and is assumed to be in satisfactory shape. That is at least for as good as you can be after your common-law wife stabs you with a ceramic squirrel after coming home empty beer-handed.