NC Governor Links Recent Wake Forest Snow Storm to Nuclear Winter

Now that we’ve survived the recent event of frozen water falling from the clouds above in the form of snow and other nasty precipitation it’s time to go back and review the root causes of the event.

The Town of Wake Forest handled the storm with finesse and professionalism. Scrapping both accumulating snow and any remaining roadkill off our streets with hard metal blades affixed to front of Town trucks.

On Sunday, North Carolina Pat McCrory went on the Sunday talk shows to discuss the recent natural precipitation events and how it impacted the state.

McCrory who appears to have fled Raleigh and was interviewed from Charlotte, did not link the recent bout of foreign snow on global warming. Instead he said, “I feel that there’s always been climate change. The debate is, really, how much of it is man-made and how much will it cost to have any impact on climate change.”

Being a hard news outlet covering Wake Forest we decided to ask the Governor more about this issue to make sure the snow wasn’t some sort of liberal conspiracy to help people spend more time at home with children held back from experiencing the character building qualities of trudging through heavy snow to half-empty classrooms.

As expected we were unable to tunnel our way through the gate keepers to speak with the Governor directly. But being industrious we instead went for the next best thing and hired a local psychic to connect with McCrory and ask our questions for us. Below is a secret transcript of that session.

Psychic: Sorry, I only take cash.

WFN: Surely you can take a check from the fifth best newspaper in Wake Forest.

Psychic: No. I especially don’t take check with cartoon characters on them.

WFN: Please?

Psychic: No.

WFN: Did you not know we’d be paying by check? How good are you?

Psychic: I will however take that Waffle House gift card you have in your wallet.

WFN: Damn, you are good.

Psychic: What did you want to ask the Governor?

WFN: Ask him is the recent Wake Forest snow storm was caused by the liberals in the state or the right-wing guard?

Psychic: Huma, huma, huma… I have reached the Governor and he said, “Hey John, who the f*@* is Wake Forest News and why are they in my head?

WFN: Is that all?

Psychic: No, he was discussing a coal ash spill related to a non-nuclear power plant and concern over having to raise more taxes to pay for this damn winter snowstorm. He said he’d call it the snow tax of 2014 or maybe just tack a pinch more on the Amazon tax.

WFN: He said the storm was caused by nuclear winter?

Psychic: That’s not at all what he said.

WFN: Are you sure? I have an Olive Garden gift card as well?

Psychic: Oh yea, my bad, that’s exactly what he said.

The snow storm last week, which we dubbed Weathermagedon, undoubtedly took its toll on Wake Forest. Traffic was all snarled up and it took people hours to make it home, or to a wings place to wait out the mess.

In addition, local businesses saw a significant downturn in business as most doors were closed and many local residents were trapped inside with kids in snow day comas.

We braved the snow for the benefit of our beloved readers and did an amazing hack job covering live road conditions, which you can watch below. Of course the live coverage begins with a pitstop for the nearest coffee. We have our priorities.

Braving the cold in a nice warm truck with coffee and donuts we fielded live viewer questions about the conditions of roads and the general nasty conditions. We also gave live updates on the milk and bread stocks at local stores.

The best low moment of the coverage was when we managed to hit a speed bump and then turn right around and hit the exact same speed bump again and still be surprised by it. You can watch that here.

To summarize the storm, snow fell, stuck to the roads, and made things an ever loving mess. If we could check that off our list for 2014, we’d be happy.

As far as Governor McCrory making the hard link between the recent storm and nuclear winter, we’ll let our readers make that determination after reading the facts and transcript above.

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