Town of Wake Forest to Make Final Move. New Town Name Needed.

In an unusual turn of events the Town of Wake Forest is to relocate to Winston-Salem, North Carolina by April 1, 2015.

The parties involved are still in final negotiations if the move simply means the name moves or the actual town is relocated. According to the vagueness of the original agreement it could go either way.

This final turn-of-events was set in motion during a recent routine cleaning of an August 3, 1939 agreement between the Bowman Gray Fund and Wake Forest College. The agreement, housed on display at the Wake Forest University museum here in the old Wake Forest was exposed under a unique divergent mono-directional light during a recent regular cleaning and the following hidden statement was observed. “And we get the Town as well.”

A spokesperson from the tobacco money that paid for the original purchase said, “The discovery of the previously erased line in the agreement is the smoking gun we’ve been looking for and goodness knows how much we love a smoking gun, or just smoking.”

August 3, 1939 Agreement of purchase of the Town of Wake Forest by the Bowman Gray Fund.
August 3, 1939 Agreement of purchase of the Town of Wake Forest by the Bowman Gray Fund with the magnainterferometer exposed hidden line.

The legal challenges brought to prevent this move have been on and off since 1956 when the Town began to first fight the move on April 1, 1956 by giving Winston-Salem the finger saying the college did not have the authority to enter into such an agreement that bound the Town and that there was no record of any such agreement ever being made.

Since that day the Town has annually celebrated the beloved Winston-Salem Finger Day when the entire Town gathers at noon, faces west, and gives a unified one finger salute. Unfortunately, participants never really knew why we did this but being good sports they participated anyway. “I never like to miss a fun event downtown when it means I can eat a Shorty’s hotdog and give someone the finger,” said the ginger haired Rachel Ricky.

Reynolda House in Winston-Salem.
Reynolda House in Winston-Salem.
The subsequent purchase of the college in 1946 and move in 1956 was paid for by the Z. Smith Reynolds Foundation which was formed by R.J. Reynolds’ daughter, Mary Reynolds Babcock, and her siblings to honor their brother, Zachary Smith Reynolds, who died at the age of 20 at the Reynolds family home, Reynolda House. Another downer.

It appears the only reason the Wake Forest College was snatched from the Town to begin with was because some 20-year-old was unlucky enough to be home during a 1932 home invasion. According to Wikipedia, Zachary was an amateur aviator so his days were probably numbered anyway.

Wake Forest Mayor Pro Tem Ranjon Richardmackle said, “We’ve secretly fought this move for years but must conceded the loss now with the discovery of the agreement found in plain sight. It’s time to move forward, or at least west.”

The Town has issued the following official statement.

WF PR Header

WAKE FOREST, NC – April 1, 2014 – Today we must announce the Town of Wake Forest is scheduled to relocate in a move to be completed by April 1, 2015.

The Town has strongly opposed the allegations of this move for years. But after the recent inadvertent discovery of the missing line in the 1939 agreement we are left with no other choice but to say the loss of the Town really blows.

It it the intention of the Town to honor the letter of the agreement and those bastards in Winston-Salem can have everything but the new Wake Forest Renaissance Centre at 405 S. Brooks St. That place we are keeping and they’ll have to pry it out of our cold, paint soaked, toe tapping hands.

To learn about upcoming events at the Wake Forest Renaissance Centre, call the Special Events Hotline at 919-435-9428.

It’s not all bad news for local residents. After the move at least you’ll finally have blow-your-socks-off-faster internet at your new house in the section of Winston-Salem that will be renamed Wake Forest.

Final location of Wake Forest in NW area of Winston-Salem.
Final location of Wake Forest in NW area of Winston-Salem.

11th Hour Negotiations

It is estimated that in last-minute negotiations the physical Town will be allowed to remain where it is now. This assumption is reinforced by the fact the Bowman Gray Fund expressed no interest in collecting the Wake Forest College distinguished dead dignitaries buried in the Wake Forest cemetery. The unofficial word was, “You keep them.” This led Town officials to believe it was the name only to move to Winston-Salem.

It was also leaked that the Wake Forest Historical Museum will close following the move. A person familiar with the situation who did not wish to be identified said, “It was always just an outpost hidden in plain sight so we could keep tabs on the Town till we finally resolved this issue. Now that the matter is finally dealt with we have not yet decided what to do with the place. But initial plans are to build a big set of black and gold condos there.”

New Town Name Needed

Local residents are encouraged to submit their suggestions for the new name for the Town formerly known as Wake Forest by posting them in the comments section below. Officials have already said they will not accept any submissions for names like Funky Town, Flavorville, Where Your Mama Lives, or other silly names.

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