This week the Wake Forest Board of Commissioners is planning to meet in an officialish closed stall quorum in a bathroom on the second floor of Town Hall to once and for all determine the fate and end the drama that has hung around the lingering appointment of the Wake Forest Official Water Based Beverage.
Stakeholders in this battle, which has raged for years, have lobbied hard to be named the Wake Forest Official Water Based Beverage. Documents that were leaked, and I mean on, show the nomination for Cheerwine from the NC Speciality Shops downtown is not going to make the cut since it is not manufactured locally with Wake Forest Water. While Cheerwine might be in our blood, it’s not made from our water. No worries Cheerwine, we still love you.
And thank you NC Speciality Shops for not feeling compelled to change your “shops” to “shoppes.”
To be considered for the title of official Wake Forest water based beverage the criteria for selection says the beverage must be manufactured using at least two hydrogens and one oxygen that flow from a water tap in the Town.
However, the rules are not clear if the water must come from a municipal water system or a well. But the most likely entry from a Wake Forest well or creek water source would be moonshine and there is no way in hell the Town is going to name that as the official water based beverage even though that’s probably the most true to our heritage around here.
So this leaves the Board of Commissioners with three difficult choices. The finalists for the official Wake Forest Water Based Beverage are tea, coffee, and beer.
The stakes are incredibly high in this battle. To be named the official water based beverage for Wake Forest is akin to winning either a presidential race, or scratching off a losing lottery ticket.
Most likely the wining beverage will be able to parley the victory into increased consumption and thus turn smooth and cool Wake Forest water into money.
In strong contention for the honor is the Wake Forest Coffee Company. They seem to tick all the boxes in the competition and are certainly a strong candidate. Besides, the place is so loved by most that Albert seems like a solid victor. He’s a victor trapped in an Albert body.
Rumor is if WFCC wins that 14 of the most loyal patrons plan to celebrate with a group mooning. Local businessman Bob Johnson is one of the faithful local coffee drinkers and is almost certainly destined to be among the celebratory drawer droppers. Maybe the event could even raise some money for charity?
The second most likely winner is The Olde English Tea Room. Clearly the beverage is brewed with the requisite local hydrogen and oxygen. Someone told me they are really loose over there but I think they were referring to their 40 or so types of tea they sell.
The last legitimate candidate for this honor is the White Street Brewing Company. They’ve been craftily turning water into weeknight fun for a couple of years now and have the taps and tanks to prove they have what it takes. Wake Forest water that is.
If anything the beer contingent might have a leg up in this seminary town. We are well aware that wine makes a number of biblical appearances but unfortunately since real wine it is not tap water based, it’s not in the running for Wake Forest Official Water Based Beverage.
But along with wine, the “ancient Israelites, with the possible exception of a few teetotaling Nazirites and their moms, proudly drank beer–and lots of it. Men, women and even children of all social classes drank it. Its consumption in ancient Israel was encouraged, sanctioned and intimately linked with their religion. Even Yahweh, according to the Hebrew Bible, consumed at least half a hin of beer (approximately 2 liters, or a six-pack) per day through the cultic ritual of libation, and he drank even more on the Sabbath (Numbers 28:7-10). People who were sad were advised to drink beer to temporarily erase their troubles (Proverbs 31:6). Yet the Biblical authors also called for moderation. Several passages condemn those who consumed too much beer (Isaiah 5:11, 28:7; Proverbs 20:1, 31:4). The absence of beer defines a melancholy situation, according to Isaiah 24:9.” – Source
And then there is the secret bonus point available for best water based Wake Forest beverage that can help Wake Forest residents hookup on a late Friday night. Beer would win that hands down because I can’t think of any regretful stories involving tea or coffee. Nobody ever says, “This one time in college after drinking too much tea they said I had a lesbian experience.”
The Official Wake Forest News Pick for Winner
It seems almost too disrespectful to declare just one of the Wake Forest treasures a winner. And in the modern spirit of every kid gets a trophy, maybe instead we should just urge the Town to adjust the award and declare tea is best for a Saturday afternoon, beer is best for Saturday night, and coffee is the perfect beverage for a painful Sunday morning.
If you agree with our assessment, please contact the Wake Forest Board of Commissioners and urge them to vote this way.
Disclaimer: This is of course all total bullshit. There is no need to contact the Board, they’ve most likely already made up their minds.